the saddest, proudest moment ever

I'm now no longer a KOTO employee.

Yesterday was the last day and with it came the goodbye speeches, the presents, the flowers, the food and the drinks.

And, of course, the tears.

I had known for a long time that leaving would be a huge wrench.  I had known that I would be expected to make a speech.  I also knew that every time I went through that speech in my head I welled up to a point where I just had to forget about it.

I have watched others trying to do it.  It's never pretty.

So the moment came.  Our new CEO said some extraordinarily kind things about me and it was my turn to speak.  Oanh, my colleague and great friend over the past 27 months was translating.

I started off okay.  I told the 100 trainees and staff present how proud I had been of KOTO and how sad I was to leave. I told them that we are the first KOTO and later, when there are KOTOs across the world, we can be so proud of that. Then Oanh broke.

She was suddenly in floods or tears and couldn't go on.  Miss Nga took over and I admitted quietly to her that I didn't know if I could finish.  Between us Nga and I sobbed a much shortened version of what I had wanted to say. 

It must have been quite a sight for the trainees.

I spent the next hour hugging sobbing kids with my t-shirt slowly getting wetter.  Miss Ly from class eight broke my heart. I'm not a very group hug kind of bloke but I must have had my arms around seven or eight of them at a time. 

It's not easy for me to write this.  Even now, as I type the tears are flowing again. I don't know why it makes me like this. I'm ready to go and have chosen to go.  I guess it's just an over flowing of emotions.  So much is coming together.  Twenty seven months of living with these amazing people and sharing so much.  And me being so inspired and so humbled by them.

Eventually I tore myself away and started to move downstairs where staff were waiting to go out to dinner.  My regular xe om driver crossed the street with his motorbike and one last time we set off. 

There we were, a dozen or so staff on motorbikes, and all around trainees pedaling furiously on their pushbikes, trying to keep up.  I waved them goodbye as we sped along Thuy Khue Street.  That cinematic thing again.  Just when did my life turn into a movie?  So many priceless moments that I have been so lucky to enjoy.

Later at the restaurant my phone rang.  Thu from Class Seven rang from the Softel Plaza. I have no idea how he got my number.  He was working and hadn't be able to say goodbye but he wanted to say good luck.  Then Chien from Class Six called.  Then Miss Lung, now working in the Guoman.

More speeches, flowers and a present that floored me.  For over two years I have been flogging bricks to raise money for KOTO's new home.  Now KOTO has bought me one. 

It will stay forever in the new restaurant.  Just perfect.

The evening went on in happy fashion.  Later, more zig zagging on motorbikes to a bar and a few drinks.

Today I woke up with nowhere to go.  I had a strange long breakfast and did some Christmas shopping.  Then I sneaked into KOTO to clear my desk.  Two more presents from the trainees broke my heart all over again.  The first from class ten and the second from Miss Lung with a note.

I am so proud of what we have achieved at KOTO.  So proud just to be a part of it.  So proud that the new KOTO is going happen. And if you'll forgive me the indulgence, I'm proud I stuck it out.  Not just the two years but the extra time to see this through. 

It is easily the single best thing I have ever done with my life.

My future has many more adventures ahead but I will see and experience nothing like this ever again.  I am the luckiest guy in the world to do this.

Finally, like I said, I am no longer a KOTO employee.  But, like 200 kids who have gone through the KOTO program before me, I will always be KOTO family. That's just one more thing to be proud of.

Thank you everybody at KOTO.  Your future promises to be very bright.

Comments

[layered]

You haven't said where you are going yet, but assuming it is out of Vietnam, your voice here will be missed very much. We hope to find you continuing blogging, however, because a man of your accomplishments and feelings needs to tell the world than needs your inspiration. Good luck to you in what I am sure will be a very productive future.
-- Mel in HCMC

[omih]

Thanks Mel,

I've got one more post for this website. Something of an epilogue and I'll include it in that.

After that I'm going to be around in Hanoi but laying low. The story ends with the next post though. I want to keep this as a document of my time as a volunteer.

Yes, it's away from Vietnam. Far away. Another developing country with many parallels with Vietnam.

And thank you for your kind words.

[nicole]

Good luck for your future endeavours - I've really enjoyed reading your blog and hearing about your experiences as a volunteer. I hope you'll start another blog with the next chapter of your adventures.

[Miss Kitty]

OMIH, we will all miss your wonderful posts & commentary on Vietnam. You have inspired me to make a trip there one day. I hope you'll one day blog again and give us a link to a new blog about a new developing country.

Bless you...I wish you much happiness and good fortune in all your new endeavors.

[Kathrine]

Our man in Hanoi,
You've been a great Hanoi/Vietnam inspiration. I wish you all the best in the time to come : )
- Kathrine

[Nam]

Dear OMIH,
Thank you so much for your tireless devotion into helping my fellow young Vietnamese back home!
I will miss your blog but hope that you will continue to blog at your next destination. Wishing you a great Xmas and may you have wonderful health in the years to come.God bless you Steve!

[Mike]

Steve,

I've enjoyed your blog for the last couple of years. Though I'm back in the U.S. now, checking everyday with you kept up a connection with Vietnam for me.

I'll miss your writings. Keep in touch from Central America, or wherever you end up.

I know KOTO touched you deeply but from your reading, I know that Hanoi did too.

Speaking from a personal perspective, my time in Hanoi was a life-altering experience. I hear ya man when you talk about it the way you do. Perhaps it is time for you to move on but I can't help but feel for you and what you will face leaving.

Vietnam is special place that will never leave you. Years from now you'll get tears in your eyes when you think of it. I know; I've been there. I am there.

I know this seems a bit cheesy but you and Noodlepie I really think of as the two great and early bloggers from Vietnam. Now that you are moving on, let the new blood in. There's plenty of great bloggers out there (finally, some Vietnamese writers too) but what you did with OMIH and KOTO was something special, especially the honesty with which you wrote.

Chuc May Man,

Mike, formerly known as Mr. No Star Where

[Tu]

Gidday,
You've done so many good things for KoTo and I am sure everyone from that fund will remmeber you forever and of course we all appricated about your help. Good on you and good luck for the future.

[omih]

Wow. Way too many nice things have been said to me recently. It just goes to show - I'm leaving at the right time.

Katherine - I think being an inspiration is a pretty good thing to be. I know one volunteer in Africa (hey Rachie) who signed up after reading this blog, and I was once semi stalked by a French dude who was waiting outside my house one time to say I had been his inspiration to come to Vietnam. I'm very proud of that.

Nam and Tu - thank you for having such an amazing country and in Hanoi such an intoxicating place. Vietnam is moving on so fast and it will be a better place for Vietnamese to live. And in the cities at least, much less poverty. But then again, I think it will also lose something that made it so special. I am very thankful to see it at the time I did.

Yes, there will be a new blog. Although there'll be a short break between them as I'm going to be in Vietnam after Christmas but with nothing much to report.

Just one more epilogue to write on this.

[Matt]

End of an era! Well done, what an amazing story and contribution.

Matt

[rachie]

Oh my god - you're making me cry now.

[Brian]

Steve,

Be proud. Be very proud. Think you found more than just another country in Viet Nam. You found another you.

Have a safe and happy Christmas - maybe even see the 'Toon scrape a draw somewere...

But, please, keep us all posted as to future blog addresses etc.,

For now - best thing you ever did with your life! What a cool, cool, feeling! The love will stay in your heart forever.

Love n'mercy.

[omih]

Thanks Matt. Rachie, I think I am going to be in a precariously emotional stage for some time yet.

Brian, you're right. Another me? maybe but I did keep thinking through out all of this: "I can't believe this is ME doing this. This kind of thing doesn't happen to me".

It's a nice personal place to be when you wouldn't swap your life wtih anyone. Just another thing to feel lucky about I guess.

[a viet ~]

Thank you for your wonderful work. :) I really enjoyed reading your blog and I wish you the best of luck with your future endeavors!!! :)

[Brian]

Steve,

You said: "It's a nice personal place to be when you wouldn't swap your life with anyone".

But,not because you got a $2 mill bonus, right?

Not because you just had the BMW serviced, right?

Not because your house price just inflated?

Not because you just did a deal and took a patsy, right?

But because you were - and are - a kind, brave, intelligent and caring human being. And met people who love you for that. On the ground there, in the ether here.

New Slang...god...why did you and Rache do that to us all!

Get pissed, have fun and enjoy the you you have discovered you really are. 'Cos it is a masterpiece!

No snake wine now? Promise?

[Oanh]

Steve,

Congratulations. You have so much to be proud of.

Many times I've gotten emotional myself from reading your posts so I can only imagine how overwhelming the emotions were during your speech. Sounds like everybody loves you and will miss you heaps.

Hope the rest of your time in Hanoi is peaceful and nice.

[nhu]

please remember to link up the new blog for your next adventure!!

maybe volunteerihg in taiwan for the human trafficing issue??

whatever you do, good luck!!

[teresa]

The tears are contagious. Best of luck in your new adventure; I still hope to connect with you in-country. You've inspired me (and many others).

-teresa

[Elle]

I've been reading your blog since it's incarnation over at IWTWO Spacehardware. Yes, I'm still reading :) Don't forget to let us all know where you're going to next - some of us here in the UK and blogland want to be in the know.
Good luck with the new venture; here's hoping it proves as fullfilling and rewarding as this last one.

Elle xxx

[jim]

I've enjoyed reading so many of your posts, I suppose in an invisible sort of way as I don't comment as much, anywhere, as I used to. Nevertheless this was quite momentous.

It seems so short a time, but with the most immense memories imaginable. You must be extremely proud and don't forget to put a signpost to where you go next.

[girl]

Your blog has inspired me to do something (more) worthwhile when I return to Vietnam. I really feel for you at this time. No matter how good the next chapter is, it doesnt make it any easier to close this one. I dont feel like my 'Vietnam' chapter ever fully closed, which is why I need to go back. But I will be looking forward to reading about your new adventures, and the possibilities that are out there once one finally 'moves on'.

[Bob Piper]

Steve, wherever you end up, you big saft geordie, blog and let us know. Your story, and the Koto story, has been truly inspirational. Sitting here in the UK, reading the blogs of those of us stuck in this ridiculous political bubble, where meanness, spite, jealousy and ambition seem to dominate people's thoughts, I have always been able to dip in to OMIH and read about some basic humanity and decency.

Best of luck, kidda.

[Thuy]

I can't believe you are leaving! It's so sad to read it. I cried. I will miss reading about Vietnam (through your eyes). I learned so much from it. Thank you so much for everything you've done for Vietnam. Those KOTO children lives are changed forever - for better - because of you. Good luck with your new endeavor.

[omih]

Wow this is starting to get a little momentous.

Thanks all again. I think all I did was document what I went through in Hanoi. I have no doubt that KOTO is special and that no other volunteers that I know enjoyed the chance to work with such an amazing organisation.

But as regards my own contribution it was no more, and probably a lot less in some cases, than what other people have contributed.

Having said that, like I said, I feel very content with what I did and I leave with no regrets.

I am so glad I made the decision to document what happened to me so that people could share it.

I'll continue to do that and continue to have some level of adventure.

Oh and I am back home in the UK as I write this. It's a nice place to be (for now).

[Alan Huynh]

Steve,

A job well done man! Give yourself a pat on the back for me. I admired the things you have done during your time at KOTO and the children you have enabled in Vietnam. I have followed your blog for a while now. I have been passive and have never post comment in the past but I have decided to post this comment to admit something to you. My eyes get watery when I read your blog…there I said it…I am a guy and I get choke-up reading your blog!

Good luck in your future endeavors. I look forward in reading your next adventure and I am sure it will inspire us all!

Thanh Alan (Orange County, CA)