Hitting the Wall. Hitting Phu Quoc

At around 4pm last Sunday I hit the wall.

All the hardwork that had gone into staging graduation, all of the emotion, all of the pressure that it takes to work as a volunteer came to a head.

Add in the flaring up and almost instantaneous fizzling out of yet another disastrous fledging romance.  Stir into the mix the claustrophobic Hanoi ex-pat village and I was ready to burst.

I had realised I hadn't been myself for a while.  The smallest incidents at work were provoking near internal combustion.   In my own time I was finding it increasingly hard to balance the pressures, importance and emotional stress that was my day time existence with the expat trappings of Hanoi life.

VSO told us that when we return we'll find it hard to adjust.  Suddenly affluence will annoy us.  Waste will infuriate.  The shallowness of modern living will grate on us.

I guess for me it just happened while I was here.  I wouldn't deny anybody anything and my expat excesses are no better or worse than most.  But it's still a strange adjustment from the stories of struggle at work, to the stories of tailors, beauty salons, French pastries, wine and luxury spas outside.

So anyway, meltdown swept over me.  With the new KOTO due to become reality in summer and with graduation over, it seemed like I had to get away now.  Certainly without the break I wouldn't be in any shape to complete the vital upcoming work.

So with a shaky, cracking voice I rang my boss and she gave the permission.  Two hours later I had booked a flight to the most laid back, quietest, least pressured place I could think of in Vietnam.  Phu Quoc Island.  I left 5am the next morning.

I stayed at the Mango Bay Resort. I had heard it was THE place to relax.  The rumours were true.  It was beautiful.  The staff were friendly, the resort spacious, the wildlife fantastic.  It's an eco resort and it's $15 rooms feel like $50 worth.  Cheap enough for backpackers, good enough for anyone.  Just beautiful.  I will be back.  I can't recommend it highly enough.

And so for five days I got my head back into shape.  Staring at sunsets, swimming in the sea, devouring books.

I met and hung out with Claudia, by chance a VSOer in the making.  She's quit her job and is just waiting for news of her postings.  She's crossing her fingers for Vietnam.

Poor girl.  I probably bored her senseless as I praised Vietnam but talked through the other pressures she can expect.  She had done the excellent VSO Preparing for Changes course.  They cover all of these ups and downs.   I must admit, when I was in that same classroom I thought it would never happen to me.

I did promise her it would be the best time of her life.  And I meant it.

But anyway.  I got my head straight.  I know what makes me happy.  What makes me happy comes down to two things - Vietnam and my work.  All the rest is a distraction.  Now I need to find a way that I can maximise the positives and reduce the negatives.  And to find a way of living with that Hanoi Expat Village claustrophobia.

Last night I said goodbye to a volunteer who had been in Hanoi for two and a half years.  She was sad to go.  She told me that in Hanoi she had been happier than ever before.  She also told me that sometimes she had been her at her most miserable.  And that's just the way it is.  When the highs are higher the lows are inevitably lower.

And today, back at KOTO, I'm happy, relaxed and ready to work hard.  And that should be the end of it.

But I can't help thinking back to a course we put on for the KOTO kids. "Dealing with Stress" it was called and it wasn't a huge success.

Why?

Because Vietnamese people have no concept of stress.  They work hard.  They shoulder unbelievable burdens.  The KOTO kids manage to thrive despite earlier lives of unbelievable hardship and current lives with promise but little in the way of luxury.

So why do we, pampered westerners get burnt out?  Why do we spend so much of our time analysing everything, navel gazing and over emoting?

It shames me.  And I can't work it out.  Once again, us volunteers who are here to teach, have so much to learn and so much to be thankful for.

But I'm back and ready for anything KOTO can throw at me.  There will be a few adjustments in my social life.  Pus a few slightly new directions and a few more deep breaths and "calm, calm, calm" thoughts.

But I'm cool.  I may even be getting the hang of all this.

More Phu Quoc pics here.