Twenty things that make me smile in Vietnam

Find paradise on a swan pedallo

1. The Whooping Xe Om Driver. When I catch a motorbike taxi in the morning, the regular guy who drives me literally punches the air and whoops when he sees me coming. And I don’t think it’s just because I pay western rates.

2. Pizza Box Gifts. Bizarrely there is money in pizza boxes. When I take them out to the rubbish, someone always asks if they can have it. When you had it over it’s like you’ve presented a small personal gift. Lots of smiles and lots of thank-yous. Honestly mate – it’s a pizza box, please…take it.

3. Kiddies on Scooters. This is old hat for ex-pats, but still makes me grin. I am sorry but toddlers standing on the cross bars of scooters as they whiz past still makes me grin like an idiot.

4. “Make you strong”. Anything that is likely to make you puke, cringe, or very very sick – you are told will “make you strong”. And it’s kind of said with a half wink. I think the English equivalent is – “it puts lead in your pencil”.

5. The Chuckling Taxi Driver at Ngoc Ha. I love this guy. He literally cries with laughter the whole trip and it’s infectious – anything can start him off. He looks like a Vietnamese Mike Myers.

6. Dudes. There is something about Vietnamese dudes. Honda motorbikes, slicked back hair, shades. Cool. Very cool.

7. Winking. Getting stared at by a young girl still fascinated by big western lumps? A wink and a smile will see her dissolve into embarrassed giggles.

8. Oi troi oi. Again – probably over used to boredom levels by ex-pats but it is a handy phrase to know. It means literally “oh my god”, but even if you speak no other Vietnamese you can say it to anyone and it gets big laughs. Handy for diffusing tension in times of negotiation. It will be repeated by everyone of the watching crowd trying to work out what the hell the big tay wants.

9. The Trip Home. After a good night out that xe om ride home always seems like a celebration. A belly full of beer and a giggling xe om driver and you whiz home through the empty streets. Even better if there are two of you on two bikes. Even better with singing. Twenty greatest xe om hits include such classics as: “There’s only one Ho Chi Minh” and “I love Vietnam – do dah doo dah day”.

10. Boom Boom. No I don’t indulge but when an..ahem.. “lady of the night” offers you her services by saying: “hey…you want boom boom?” – you can’t help but smile as you politely decline.

11. Dep. It means beautiful. And when you see a stunning look woman walk by and you catch the eye of a Vietnamese male in your party and you just say “dep” and he nods conspiratorially and says “dep”.

12. The Hagglers Face. I do it now without even thinking. You argue over prices and when you aren’t happy with the price being offered you do this look which is a combination of an exaggerated frown and a pushing your chin as low as possible. Combine with big sad eyes and it’s a winner.

13. Exercise Classes. Seen by Hoan Kiem lake early morning and early evening – what must have been what public schools used to call “physical jerks” is now fast becoming a kind of funky jazzercise thing. When I see all the old dears it makes me think of my mum and her mates going to oldies’ aerobics back home.

14. Schools Out. Finding yourself within 100 yards of a school and chucking out time which appears to be three times a day. All of a sudden you’re elbow deep in kids with at least 50% of then shouting “allo”, “what your name?”, “how are you”. Brilliant.

15. Blokes. “When you have rice every day sometimes you want noodle”. One of the many great sayings repeated in my time here by Vietnamese lotharios.

16. Swan Pedallos. Vietnamese people don’t have sex before marriage – well that’s the official line. The teenage abortion rates tell her a different story. So where do they go for privacy? Westlake in the dark on the ridiculous swan shaped pedallos. The percentage of kids conceived on pedalloes is huge. Probably.

17. Tiger Balm. It’s cracking stuff. I’ve used it soothe mosquito bites, muscle strains and heat rash. If you are a local you can add virtually every know ailment and condition to that list. Heart attack – no problem – slap on a bit of Tiger Balm

18. Stool Sample. Just a single anecdote but I’ve been told it a hundred times by KOTO graduates. One trainee had a stomach bug and was asked to provide a stool sample. Too embarrassed by the whole process, he paid his class mate to do it for him. So funny on so many levels.

19. The Neighbourhood. Woken up in a bad mood? By the time I have gone fifty yards from my house I’ve been wished a cheery “xin ciao” by my landlord, land lady, the papershop guy, the tea shop girl, the xe-om drivers, and twenty kids outside my house playing football…well I’m smiling again.

20. Ong Gia. 70% of the population here are under 30 – that’s what it such a vibrant, buzzing place. The downside is at 34 I’m ong gia – old man. It started with the KOTO kids calling me it. Some how it caught on. Now people who I swear I have never met in my life shout it at me in the streets and chuckle.